Damaged Desires: A Frenemy, Military Romance Read online

  This book is a work of fiction. While reference might be made to actual historical events or existing people and locations, the events, names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  DAMAGED DESIRES Copyright © 2020 by LJ Evans

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored, in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of the publisher of this book.

  Published by LJ Evans Books

  www.ljevansbooks.com

  Cover Design: © Designed with Grace

  Cover Images: © iStock | ibusca

  Developmental Editor: Ally I. Evans Editing

  Copy Editor: Jenn Lockwood Editing Services

  Sensitivity Readers: Lovelace, Kelley, Phillips

  Proofing: Karen Hrdlicka

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publications in process.

  ISBN: 979-8683456993

  ASIN: B085FPY52K

  Printed in the United States

  Table of Contents

  Playlist

  Message from the Author

  Dedication

  Chapter 1: The Man by Taylor Swift

  Chapter 2: Warriors by Imagine Dragons

  Chapter 3: Warrior by Demi Lovato

  Chapter 4: 21 Guns by Green Day

  Chapter 5: Finally // beautiful stranger by Halsey

  Chapter 6: Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns N’ Roses

  Chapter 7: Mistake by Demi Lovato

  Chapter 8: Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

  Chapter 9: Vulnerable by Selena Gomez

  Chapter 10: Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

  Chapter 11: Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

  Chapter 12: Fix You by Coldplay

  Chapter 13: Crowded Room by Selena Gomez w/ 6LACK

  Chapter 14: Trouble by Coldplay

  Chapter 15: Back to You by Selena Gomez

  Chapter 16: Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis

  Chapter 17: I Turn to You by Christina Aguilera

  Chapter 18: Dream by Imagine Dragons

  Chapter 19: The Archer by Taylor Swift

  Chapter 20: Still Breathing by Green Day

  Chapter 21: Sweeter Place by Selena Gomez w/ Kid Cudi

  Chapter 22: Demon by Imagine Dragons

  Chapter 23: Graveyard by Halsey

  Chapter 24: Second Chances by Imagine Dragons

  Chapter 25: Daylight by Taylor Swift

  Chapter 26: I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith

  Chapter 27: Bound to You by Christina Aguilera

  Chapter 28: What About Now by Daughtry

  Chapter 29: Make You Feel My Love by Adele

  Chapter 30: Amazing by Aerosmith

  Chapter 31: Stay by Rihanna w/ Mikky Ekko

  Chapter 32: Angel by Aerosmith

  Chapter 33: Remedy by Adele

  Epilogue: Lover by Taylor Swift

  Bonus Epilogue: The Gala with Brady O’Neil

  Brady’s Happily Ever After

  Samples of the First Three Anchor Novels

  Second Message from the Author

  About the Book

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Books by LJ

  Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3f7ZVox

  Thank you for taking the time to read my story. “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day was the song that inspired the entire tone of this story. Writing realistic characters and their path to their happily ever after is what writing is all about for me.

  As in all my books, Dani and Nash have to learn how to live their lives resiliently. They find a way to get through life’s challenges with grace, humility, strength, and—most importantly—LOVE. I hope you find that in these words, too.

  Other authors, at this point, will give you a long list of their social media sites, places to leave reviews, and a laundry list of their other books, but the truth is, I don’t want to give you those things…not yet.

  I’d rather you get to reading. I’d rather you fall in love with my characters, their world, and the love, laughter, and family that is held within these pages.

  I’ll touch base with you again AFTER you’ve read the story…

  Happy Reading!

  LJ EVANS

  ♫ where music & stories collide ♫

  Sigh…okay. Some of you want all that information now, so if you do, please feel free to click here for the Second Message from the Author.

  To Korrie Kelley, for inspiring me to be a better human being. For starting Culture 101 and Hidden Gems Book Club…for helping all of us amplify, learn, and represent.

  For Shonte, who was probably the most excited for Dani and Nash’s story.

  For Faith, who wanted more Gibbs slaps.

  And as always, for the man who I wouldn’t know how to maneuver this world without. I love you, honey.

  Dani

  THE MAN

  “When everyone believes ya

  What's that like?”

  Performed by Taylor Swift

  Written by Little / Swift

  My eyes were squeezed shut while a hollow dread gripped my entire body. Fear cast its dark hand over every piece of me as the elevator lurched. The blood in my veins was replaced with liquid panic as large hands squeezed my breasts and tore at my dress. The stench of his cologne mixed with the scent of the alcohol poured over me, stifling me, making it even harder to breathe.

  My limbs locked up, refusing to execute any of the self-defense maneuvers my Vice Admiral father had taught my sisters and me. Instead, my legs wobbled almost to collapse while his vile threats echoed through the recesses of my brain.

  The loud ding of the doors had my eyes springing open, and I took in the empty space.

  I was alone.

  I thrust myself out of the box and leaned up against a cool marble pillar, running my fingers along the smooth surface, allowing the sensation to bring me back to reality. To the fact I was standing in the Russell Building and not The Oriental Hotel on that dark night over a year ago.

  I groaned. I was a ridiculous cliché.

  It made me hate Fenway all over again. Made me hate myself because I didn’t consider myself weak, and yet, here was proof I was. I couldn’t step foot in an elevator without reliving it. Without the god-awful sensations filling every part of my being.

  I avoided the damn things as much as humanly possible. But the janitor was mopping the stairs, and I was in a hurry because I was already late for the happy hour Senator Matherton and my grandfather requested I attend. So, I’d pushed the button, knowing I didn’t even have my meditation app with me. Knowing there was nothing to stop my brain from going exactly where it had. Hoping today was the day it would disappear, and I’d feel normal again.

  It wasn’t.

  As soon as I’d realized I couldn’t take the stairs, I should have gone back for my phone. I’d left it in my bag with security so I could quickly slip through the metal detectors and reclaim the umbrella I’d forgotten. The late summer downpour outside had made it impossible to leave the building without it unless I intended to show up at the bar looking like a cat in a bath.

  That was not an option. The staff waiting to say goodbye to me was pretentious and backstabbing enough without me giving them extra fodder. The rumors rumbling through The State Building at my departure were alre
ady weighing the senator down. It was the reason I was a bag of both regret and relief on my last day.

  I pushed my shaking legs into action and stumbled down the hall. As I ducked my head in and grabbed the umbrella, the sound of my name halted me.

  “I can’t believe Dani actually left.” It was Gary. He was fairly new, and fairly clueless, but likable in a guileless way.

  “It should have happened long before now.” That was Charles. Obnoxious, conceited, and perfect for The Hill, Charles.

  “What? Why?”

  “It’s hard to trust her after the whole Fenway debacle,” Charles’s voice dripped with condescension.

  “What do you mean?” Gary asked.

  Charles lowered his voice as he told the story to the newbie. I leaned in to catch the words. “I heard it was a setup. The entire event was orchestrated by Dani to get Fenway kicked out of office.”

  My heart stopped and started again, anger flooding the blood vessels which were barely recovering from the panic moments before. I was so tired of this conversation. I was tired of the gossip. Nothing in my life had been the same since that night.

  “You’re talking about the guy who attacked her?” Gary’s voice was awash with surprise. “That wasn’t real?”

  I could almost see in my mind Charles’s shrug, appearing casual but actually calculated.

  “I can’t say either way,” Charles said carefully. He didn’t want to be caught in an outright lie he couldn’t take back. “I’m just telling you why it was hard to trust her. You don’t want to be the one she goes after next with some ‘me too’ bullshit.”

  Before last year, I wouldn’t have lost my cool. I probably would have just walked away and gotten my revenge by piling him with so much administrative work he’d be begging me to take it away. But I didn’t have that option anymore.

  I stepped into the room, my umbrella swinging back and forth.

  “Let me give both you boys a bit of advice,” I said—my turn to drip sarcasm. Gary had the decency to blush and look away, but Charles just straightened his shoulders and met my gaze defiantly. “If you’re going to talk about someone, do it in one of the soundproof rooms after you’ve checked for bugs. Otherwise, every word you utter here is going to come back at you tenfold.”

  I turned, got to the door, and then looked back. “And Charles, I can guarantee you a spot on the list the women of The Hill keep. You know the one I’m talking about, right?”

  His eyes widened. He knew exactly what I was talking about: the confidential list shared amongst the staffers who worked for the decent and the dirtbags of Washington. It told people who to stay away from if you didn’t want to be a victim. Being on that list could make both his personal and professional life hell.

  “That’s bullshit,” Charles said, stepping toward me.

  I raised my umbrella, the point a few inches from his chest. “Consider it my parting gift. One last lesson, just for you.”

  I swiveled around and left. I wouldn’t really put him on the list, because it was sacred, but it would at least make him sweat for a while.

  Outside, I stood, looking up through the calming blue of the umbrella as the rain showered down around me. The humidity and heat worsening instead of lessening with the downpour made it harder to breathe. As if the weight of everything else wasn’t already crushing me.

  Twelve years. I’d worked my ass off for twelve years on The Hill with Senator Matherton and, before that, Senator Ashley. I’d followed my grandad. I’d gathered intel, made deals, and pushed off the worst of the creepers. I’d protected both senators and kept their image positive. It had been incredibly challenging in a world still all about who you knew rather than what you knew. In a world still dominated by the Good Ol’ Boy network. I couldn’t help but wonder if it all would have been different if I’d been a man.

  That night in the elevator certainly would have been different. Even with all my workouts and Dad’s trainings, I hadn’t been able to stop one determined weasel from laying his hands on me.

  I shoved those thoughts aside and did what I always did these days. I took a step, and then another, and before long, I was stepping into the modern bar full of steel and glass where a crowd of staffers waited. Every single one of them was vying to be my replacement. They didn’t know I’d already given my recommendations to Guy and Granddad weeks ago.

  Maddy, one of the least obnoxious of the group, waved at me, shouting out, “I saved you a seat.”

  I threaded my way through the crowd, returning comments, congratulations, and good lucks before I ended up perched on a high-top metal stool next to her at a small table. The only thing in the room that wasn’t a neutral gray were the mosaic tabletops and the bottles of liquor streaming with hidden lights behind the bar.

  “I can’t believe you’re really leaving,” Maddy said over the rim of her scotch and soda. I could see her trying to hold back the grimace as she took a sip, her perfectly manicured nails clutching the glass tightly. She put it back down, smoothed out the lines of her suit jacket, touched a hand to her tightly coiled blonde mane, and then turned to scan the crowd.

  I wanted to laugh at everything she was doing. I wanted to shout at her, “This is why I’m leaving!” Even though it wasn’t that simple.

  She hated scotch but drank it because it was the current fad for the up-and-coming on The Hill. If there was a meal involved, they’d switch to wine perfectly coordinated with the entrees. I’d never gone for any of it. I’d drunk what I liked whether it matched the mood, the meal, or the men I was with or not.

  Maddy’s desire to fit into the mold the men in D.C. created was one of the things holding her back. It was the reason her name hadn’t been the one I’d given to Grandad. They needed someone willing to stand up against the status quo, not someone riding the wave.

  Even with the umbrella, my tweed suit jacket had still gotten wet. I removed it, slinging it over the back of the chair. Thankfully, the teal-and-purple paisley shirt underneath it was dry. The colors were supposed to have been soothing on my last day, serenity and passion mixed together, but they’d failed me.

  The waiter came by, and I flagged him down. “I need a pitcher of cosmos, please.”

  He nodded and took off. Over his head, I saw two tall, dark-haired bodies approaching: my brother and his gorgeous fiancée. Mac was still in his Navy uniform while Georgie was in a bright-green sundress in deference to the heat sticking around as September wound down. As she got closer, I could see my best friend was wearing her contact lenses that matched the color of the dress. She switched up lenses like most people swapped jewelry.

  I felt my wound-up nerves ease just a hair at the sight of them, my body finding extra solace in Mac’s presence these days. My younger brother and I were the closest of our siblings in age, looks, and temperament. With only twelve months between us, a lot of people assumed we were twins, even when we weren’t.

  “Gooberpants, how does it feel to be jobless?” Mac asked, greeting me with a hug while I rolled my eyes at the nickname he’d been calling me for as long as I could remember.

  Georgie slapped the expansive breadth of his shoulder before giving me a squeeze. “Ignore him.”

  “I’ve been ignoring Squirter since he was born; I’m a pro at it,” I responded, tossing back the diarrhea-inspired name he’d earned. “I’ve ordered a pitcher of cosmos.”

  Mac’s eyebrows quirked up. “Getting drunk, are we then?”

  “Those are…interesting…nicknames,” Maddy said, trying to hide her smirk behind her glass.

  I didn’t respond to Maddy in favor of answering Mac. “Seeing as I do not need to be up at five in the morning tomorrow, I didn’t see why not.”

  The waiter returned with the pitcher and a handful of shot glasses. I poured four, handing one to Maddy who frowned at it. “You’ll like it better than the scotch,” I told her.

  We clanked the glasses together.

  “To Dani, starting
a new adventure,” Georgie said.

  Thank God for new beginnings. It was just too bad the adventure hadn’t found me yet.

  We swallowed and banged the glasses down, except Maddy who was still trying to figure out whether to sip or down it. The desire to laugh at her was bubbling through me, but I caught myself just in time.

  The restraint―or my lack of it this year―was part of the reason I was quitting. My patience had dwindled away. Not unlike tonight’s little outburst at Charles, the number of times I’d slammed doors up and down the Capitol Building lately were too many to count. I was just tired of the quid pro quo. Tired of the constant bargaining. Tired. Just damn tired.

  I refused to think of any of it at the moment. Instead, I intended to celebrate getting out of Dodge before I had to swallow back one more remark. I vowed my next job would be one I could be honest about. I wouldn’t have to sugarcoat every word.

  Mac excused himself to go to the restroom, Georgie went to find some food menus, and Maddy’s spot was taken over by Russell who wore his expertly tailored, pinstripe gray suit as if he were born wearing it. It clung to his wide shoulders and fit across the chest he worked hours on to make sure it was as gorgeous as his language skills.

  “I can’t believe you’re actually leaving,” Russell said, placing his whiskey down. He’d gotten the taste of it from me, and he’d held onto it long after his taste for me had become a thing of the past. Or my taste for him? A mutual lack of appetite?

  “It was time,” I said with a slight, unexpected slur.

  He looked down at his glass for a few seconds before glancing back up. In the gray eyes shining behind his black-rimmed glasses, I saw regret. The same regret which entered his eyes every time we talked about anything but bills and lobbying.

  “I’m sorry,” he said for at least the thousandth time.

  I waved at him. “Don’t. Don’t start this again.”

  I didn’t want to think about why he was sorry. I didn’t want to think about any of it ever again, and yet, I couldn’t stop. It drove me mad at times. It drove me mad when I woke in the middle of the night full of panic and sweats. It drove me mad when I stepped in an elevator. And it definitely drove me mad when anyone brought it up. On The Hill, it was brought up all the time. A cautionary tale. A proud #MeToo moment. A word-to-the-wise kind of tale.